NOW is not just an acronym for a women's movement

A wise old man once said "I’ve seen a lot of trouble in my life and most of it never happened."

That’s me quoting Donald White via Mark Twain who actually said "I’ve known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." Don was close.

I have found that this is pretty much true. We spend a great deal of our lives and our time worrying about things that never actually happen. We sit and think of all the scenarios of what could possibly happen. We play it over and over again in our heads many different ways. Yet we will find that when the pivotal moment comes into play, it is never as bad or dramatic as we make it out. Ok, for some of you it is...why is that?

Why do we worry so much? According to the CDC, the worry gene is well, genetic and if your parents worried, well you are going to worry too. Actually, that is not true. I have no idea what the CDC says about this. But I have observed that in lots of cases worrying comes from watching others worry. It’s a domino effect. I watch you worry about whether or not you left the iron on or not. Then I begin to worry if I left my iron on. Then I tell a friend who is now worried she left the iron on, etc, etc when in fact the only one of us who actually irons is the one who started the worrying. Soon, we have a nation of people who are freaking out and taking anxiety medication and become zombies and then the aliens come in and take over the planet and we are all doomed because someone might have left the iron on. Worried yet?

Now the good folks at ABC are not concerned with whether you are worried or not. They know you are worried about something. They just hope it is the right thing. In a not-so-recent/several month old article, Ned Potter found this out:

"Behavioral scientists say because of the brain's structure, perfectly healthy people may overreact to upsetting circumstances. Many Americans went and bought duct tape — even though they knew, on an intellectual level, that their personal odds of dying in a terrorist attack were far smaller than the risk from auto accidents or heart disease." Which I kind of find ironic because I am sure the media is very concerned that we may die in a terrorist attack...or a protest attack–which ever is closest.

Anyway, it actually seems that the more we know about the situation, the less we are inclined to worry about what is going to happen. Let’s take this scenario:

You come home from a long day at work. You are tired, frustrated and hungry. Your spouse walks into the room and says "we need to talk."

Makes you cringe just reading those words, doesn’t it? I have found in my experience that every time I hear these words, I will be sitting somewhere listening to someone tell me why I was not supposed to do something I already did or was getting ready to do. That’s what my experience tells me. But for all I know, my spouse could have gotten a promotion and we were going to be moving to Hawaii! That is not very likely, but it could happen. Point is, I am probably freaking out over nothing.

I have however, found one way to pretty much solve this problem. It is not an easy task by any means but it actually works. I try to "live in the now." NOW, before you go off griping telling me that I must think of my future, let me ask you this: "where has thinking of my future gotten me so far?" As a matter of fact, I thought about my future all the time when I was a kid. Now I can’t remember half of my childhood because I was thinking about how awesome things were going to be now. And look where I am now! (Wait, don’t look until I put some clothes on.) Hey!...this is pretty awesome, however this is no where near what I envisioned as a kid. But I believe that if I spent half the time doing something I really loved instead of worrying about what others thought of me, I would have enjoyed this life more. Now that I know the secret, I am out to live it fully.

You will find that no matter what you do or how much you worry, things turn out ok. The world keeps on spinning and even though some of us may cross the veil and no longer exist on this plane, that does not mean everything is not ok. It just means a new adventure for everyone because nothing is the same.

Now is the moment of power people. Live in it.

It's Called Snake Oil, Ya'll...

So the last few days of September have got me on edge. Apparently there are several things going on in the universe that are making people a little crazy. There’s the new moon–in Libra, the fall equinox, Pluto is in Capricorn helping us finalize a few things, and a friend even mentioned the solar flares. Of course I am fully aware of the shifting vibrations that are everywhere these days. I have found myself outside more often trying to ground and center. I am unfocused, unmotivated and yet the Capricorn in me is screaming "DO SOMETHING!" Problem is, I have no idea what to do.

And then I realized that perhaps I need to start paying attention to the not-so-subtle nuances and signs floating my way.

First, there were the dreams.
Now, Capricorn being my sun sign, I am not prone to sitting still. When you want something, you must put forth some effort into getting it. We have that sort of work ethic. However, since I quit my job and was basically living for the day, I have felt as though I have not put forth any work what so ever into anything. I was waking up at strange hours of the night feeling as though I was going to jump out of my body. I was (and still am) having strange dreams of death and living in other places as other people. I had a dream one night that I was a Chinese girl living in China and I was in a dark lit room talking to my brother. People in my family that have passed away kept showing up in my dreams. It seemed they all had messages for me but mostly they were just there—sort of talking to me and hanging out. I was finding it harder and harder to ground and center. I needed to do something.

So I called my friend Angela up and scheduled some energy work. If anyone could figure out what was up with me, she could. After an hour of toning and smudging and other stuff she did, we came to the conclusion that I was having some ascension symptoms, and lucky me, this was only the beginning. I told her I had felt lately that I was supposed to be doing something–moving in some sort of direction, but she assured me that I was doing exactly what I was meant to–what I had planned to do all along. This was a time to learn and to grow. To prepare myself for the coming years. Could she tell me what I would be doing in those coming years? Well, no. That was something I was supposed to figure out myself. But I should stop worrying about it. All things were coming in due time. I had to prepare myself spiritually, and this was the best time to do it.

Ok. Fine. I could do that.....for about 3 days. Then my Ku began to get the best of me again. So the universe had to send out another message for me.

So then there were the snakes.

Two manifesting themselves in my path and one in my dreams. Ok, snake totem, what do you have to tell me?

According to Ted Andrews, "The Kundalini or serpent fire lies coiled at the base of the spine. As we grow and develop, the primal energy is released, rising up the spine. In turn, this activates energy centers in the body and mind opening new dimensions and levels of awareness, health and creativity" (2009). Now, earlier this week, I woke up with back pain at the base of my spine. It circled around the left side of my body to the front in exactly the same place. I pretty much chalked this up to me picking up my 60 pound dog and carrying her up a few steps into the house. It did not occur to me that earlier that day, while out on a trail on the Eno River, I encountered a juvenile northern water snake. It was swimming right up to me until I began to freak out a little and then it swam away from me toward the bank. It was a bright red color which put me on edge because I thought perhaps it was a copperhead. But copperheads don’t usually swim (I don’t think). It did not have that triangular head that indicated it was poisonous. I don’t think it meant me or my dogs any harm. As a matter of fact, it seemed to ignore them and my dogs who are prone to chasing snakes did not even notice it. I think it was there just for me.

Then it also occurred to me that on that particular morning, I was looking for an empty page in my notebook and stumbled across snake medicine notes that I had taken a year ago at a Native American workshop. Native Americans believe snakes are a message of transformation and healing. Cherokees specifically believed that the snake was a female energy and only women were allowed to handle the herbs that were of snake energy. Here was clue number two staring me right in the face–female energy.

The next night after book club, my friend Tavane comes up the street alerting us of a dead copperhead in the road. She had taken a picture of it and was headed back into the house to alert the residents. I was curious so I walked down to take a look. As I approached, the snake moved. Julie seemed to think it was the last pulses of nerves going through the body. The snake had obviously been hit by a car and was bleeding–but not very much. Plus the only part of the snake that appeared to be hurt was the tail. It sat still in the road even as we stood only a few feet from it. I resisted the urge to poke it with a stick. I was not sure it was dead, but I was not going to push my luck with a wounded poisonous snake. I did find it odd that I had run across two snakes in two days.

And then I did some research

Snakes, besides meaning female energy and represent the Kundalini spirit, also symbolize both death and rebirth. As with Pluto swimming around in the sign of Capricorn, I should be seeing some death in my life. Now this does not necessarily mean someone is going to die...although I have often found that when I dream of death, someone usually dies. But all things must come to an end. Tomorrow is the end of the month and the last time Pluto was in Capricorn, major shit happened...like the American Revolution. AND it’s not leaving until 2023. So it appears that it is time to let go of some things. Perhaps it is time I stopped panicking about not working and enjoy the time off. Perhaps I need to embraced the notion that sometimes you have to do nothing to do something. And in doing this "nothing" I shall create something new...Like a new country.... "You say you want a revolution?"

Back off Whitey: The greatest of these is LOVE

It is a shame that you have to hide who you are in order to live in a society with basic securities. To keep your job means keeping quiet about your personal life. To know that the government you elected seems to think that your are less than human because of who you love. To refuse to see the truth in that all of us are one. We are here to learn to live and accept one another because we ARE one another. We are reflections of something much greater yet we cling to beliefs of a lower vibration, of a dimension less.
Since I have taken the year off of teaching, I have stopped paying attention to the news and events of the world. I think that it has helped my stress level quite a bit. However, just recently I learned that the legislature of NC has recently put a constitutional amendment on next years ballot banning gay marriage. Now, I know my state has in the past been a red state. We are overrun by Southern Baptists. We are apparently also overrun by old people who seem to believe that their ego knows what is right for everyone. Obviously there is something in themselves that they hate and fear and they have to put it on someone else in order to justify it.
Now I know and also have a few friends who will tell you that homosexuality is "wrong" because it says so in the Bible. Well, I admit that once upon a LONG time ago, I said that too. I was struggling with who I was and wanted very much to be connected to something bigger than I and I felt that Christianity was going to take me there. And then I stopped to think. Why would God condemn me to hell if he made me who I am? Why would God condemn millions of Hindus and Buddhists to hell for practicing peace, love and harmony? There can’t just be one way into heaven.
But perhaps there is one right answer for all of us. That answer is love.1 John 4:18-19 states "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." So I ask you (NC Legislature) are you trying to punish those that love? Isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be about? Finding the one partner in your life that loves you as themselves and wishes to spread that love together in God’s name?
So if you are one out there that is having trouble accepting others as they are, are feeling the need to "testify" or "save" those that are not on the same path as you or create laws that denies certain human rights, I would like to offer a suggestion: start with saving yourself. Because if you feel the need to project on to others (and me) how you feel about what I am doing then stop and think: you are watching a reflection of yourself. What do you see inside yourself that you hate and fear so much? God made you as you are. You are perfect. Accept you as you are and love your neighbor as yourself.
And remember:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
And where there are laws that deny us our right to love, they will be vetoed. Amen.

Anti-Gay Amendment Passes NC Legislature

My Reality is a Work in Progress

So lately I’ve been reading lots of books about the upcoming shift/ascension/2012 that is coming up–you know, tips, guides, what to expect and how to handle it etc. There is a lot of useful information to be sure. As a matter of fact, the more I read, the more I realize I am right in the middle of the ascension process. After all, this past year has been FULL of shifts and what else would cause a person to quit their job and try to sell their house in this market? Well, one that does not believe in the reality someone else has dictated for her. So, as I sit on my couch on a lovely Thursday fall morning, writing and listening to music instead of standing in my classroom trying very hard to teach 30+ 6th graders the importance of knowing how to read a map, I ask myself the important questions–such as “what kind of coffee shall I brew this morning?”

Just kidding. I am actually asking myself things such as: “what do you really want from this world? What does your perfect world look like? Who is in it? Where are you going to live? What will you do for a living?” And I find that everyday these answers get easier and easier to answer...mainly because I just let go of all my preconceived notions of what I should be doing and just live in this movement. But, my brain leads me on to the next moment and the next and what might possibly be happening next week that I really should get a start on this week and...

And then a friend of mine snapped be back to reality. I had posted as a status on my gmail account “I wonder what’s next.” and she says to me, “why wonder: create your own reality.” And it hit me. That is exactly what I should be doing. Why can’t I have everything that I want? Yes, of course some work is going to go into it. I can’t wish that beautiful house by the water just by...well...wishing. I will have to get off the couch at some point, put the house on the market, and see about getting that dream job I want. But anything in this world is possible. It’s just all up to me to make it happen.

I was telling a very good friend of mine the other day how proud I was of her. How she had decided to take the year and make some improvements to herself and her life, and one of those steps included therapy. She looked at me and said “yeah, but it’s a long, long road.” And now it occurs to me, does it have to be a long road? Did someone tell her that or did she decide on her own? Was it a preconceived notion that it had to take a long time? It also reminds me of a joke:

Guy walks into a therapists office and says he has a problem. He believes there are monsters beneath his bed and he is terrified. Well the therapist explains that he can help the man solve his problems but it will take months of therapy and he can set up some more appointments and come in once a week or more to see him. The guy thanks the therapist and walks out of the office. Several weeks later, the therapist sees the guy walking down the street and stops him. He says “I haven’t seen you in a while. I thought we were going to work on your monster problem.” The guys says, “yeah, well after I saw you, I went to the bar across the street to have a drink. I spoke to the bartender about my problem and he had a genius idea. All I needed to do to get rid of the monsters underneath the bed was to saw off the bed posts. Monsters gone. And all it cost me was a beer!”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not discounting the affects of therapy. By all means, I think my life and outlook on things could have been very different a long time ago had I had some. However, you get what you give in this world. And if you decide that it will only take weeks instead of months to do something, then it is totally your decision. That is, after all, the whole point, right? It is all your decision. Free will, as you would have it. And so, who knows. I may get off this couch, sell this house and be sitting on a beach in Hawaii sometime next month. Don’t be surprised if I am.

Bless the present, expect the best, trust yourself. It is all up to you.

Lessons in Teaching part 1

I remember once upon a time, a certain teacher assigned me a project over the Easter holiday. We were to read certain sections of the book and write summaries about that section. It was, of course, busy work and a way for making up lost time. But I, as usual, waited until the last minute to do the project and did not complete it.

Come Monday morning, I went to turn in the assignment and saw that my mother had written me a note, an excuse as you will, for not completing the assignment. At first I was relieved, because this meant that there was no way I was going to fail the assignment. I showed up that morning and turned in the project with the note tucked inside. I do not know what the note said, but I really did not care. All I really cared about was not getting a failing grade or getting into trouble.

So today, the situation has turned around on me. Today, a parent became very upset that her child would fail my class for the quarter because he did not do the work and turned in an incomplete project. Never mind the fact that I notified the parent about countless problems I was having with her child during the 3 weeks we worked on it. Never mind the fact that I gave the child almost 2 additional weeks to redo the project and earn his points back. Today, according to this parent, I have failed her child.

So I sit and wonder. When my mother wrote me that note, was she failing me? She took great risk in doing that, because this was also a person she had to work beside day after day. It wasn’t as if she just had to come in for a parent conference, say her piece, and leave. No, she had to deal with this and chose to deal with it instead of having me deal with the responsibility.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. My intentions were to give the child a chance to take care of his responsibility on his own. For once, this year, I was going to let this kid decide he and he alone could fix his problem. And in a sense, I suppose I have failed this child because he was not going to do so.

And now, I will sit and wait to see this parent tomorrow, sitting in the principals office, and hear her tell me how I obviously do not like her child because he has improved in all the other classes except mine. Could it be that with my 8 years more experience than these other teachers that I expect more? Of course not. Her child has failed because I did not do the right thing. I did not tell his mom that he had bombed the project. I did not give her kid a chance.

Truth is, you get chances everyday to see what type of person you really are. In my heart, I believe I did right by this kid. I gave him every opportunity to do his best work, extra time, and the opportunity to do the right thing. And now the question stands: who will pay the consequences?

One of those days

I think it is now official: I am one of those hermits that dives into a depression and sits on her couch and does nothing. I am Sarah this time last year. I thought I was doing just fine. I mean I was getting out some, hanging with some people from work, going to book club, taking an occasional weekend away. But today, my neighbors decided it was time for an intervention. It made me a little emotional. It wasn’t like she was trying to pry into my life, but I had a rough day and it hit me kinda hard.

The day sort of began like any other day except for the first 5 hours we just sat and watched 24 kids take a test. But I forgot to do a few things today and of course I got the brunt of it. I have been forgetting a lot of things lately. I have been screwing up a lot. I have pissed quite a few people off. And yet, I manage to get out of bed and keep on going. So tomorrow we will be back on a regular schedule and I will fight through the day to try and actually try to teach something even though none of them will actually learn anything. And to tell you the truth I find some comfort in it. And to tell you the truth I find it disheartening.

There are days like today that make me feel lost in this world. And yet, I know I have a path to walk. It just seems that walking it these days takes a great deal of energy.

And I miss my mom. I miss talking to her about this. And it is days like this that I feel it more.

We All Shine On

This is the eulogy I delivered at my mother's funeral services. I would like to thank everyone that made a difference in her life.

There are many different beliefs about death and life after death in this world. I personally believe that our Spirit lives forever and that God is in everyone, everything and everywhere. We are all one. We are love. And in a world where things are ever-changing, there is but one thing certain: we are all bound for the great journey. Today, we celebrate the embarkment of my mother’s great journey, her next big adventure.

So how do we celebrate such a life, such a person that is everything to everyone? We remember the light she shone upon each and every one of us. We all know that my mother was full of love and light and she was generous with it. I am truly grateful that I was blessed with the short time I have had here on this planet with her. Today, I would like to thank her for what shehas given me, what she has taught me.

My mother gave me the true gift of family, teaching me that it is something you do nottake for granted. As you all well know, my mother loved her family and would do anything she could for them, even if it meant sacrificing something on her part. She was always there to help me whether it was lending me money to fix my car, giving support when I had a bad day and thought I was a lousy teacher, or just making me laugh by telling me about her day. She also taught me that family is not only those that are kin to you by blood, but they are those that you love and hold in your heart. These are the people who are there in your greatest time of need.

I think my mother often worried about my living far away with no spouse or partner or children. But this summer, she and my Aunt Diane came to visit and helped me redecorate my house. We spent five days working almost around the clock, and we laughed so much. When we finally got to a point where we needed a break, my friends took all of us out for pedicures and Mexican Food. This was when she met my family. After spending time with them, I think then she knew that I had everything I needed in the world as far as support and friendship and that I would be ok.

She taught me self-reliance…that even though there were people in my life that I could depend on to help me out, I needed to know how to take care of myself. My mother did not always take good care of herself as she should have, but she did take time to focus on what was important: time spent with those she loved. She spent a great deal of time with her grandchildren,Kaili and Katelyn, going to soccer games, Williamsburg, Disney World, and just this past Christmas, she took them to the Great Wolf Lodge. She loved to travel, especially to the Caribbean. I will never forget the family vacations to Key West when we all (whole family)went. Every day was a new adventure and what she called an opportunity to “make a memory.” I am truly grateful for that time with her and with the people she loved.

She taught me the importance of education in all senses of the word. Being aware of the way things work gets you far in life. She often demonstrated to me that choosing your words with eloquence, tact and thoughtfulness would get you much farther than anger, hurt and frustration. I was able to get out of being grounded much more often because of this. She would say to me, “Shelley, you attract far more flies with honey than your do with vinegar.” A good argument backed up with facts is hard to dispute, and a little compromise at the right time helps everyone. (No wonder she was such a good lawyer!)

She taught me that no matter what, I should be proud of the person I am…that it is important to walk my own path and beat my own drum. I think from early on my mother realized I was going to be different. But she let me be myself and gave me every opportunity to try anything I wanted, no matter how much time it took or how much it cost. Sometimes this worked out quite well because I still love the game of basketball. And sometimes it was awful; I still cannot stand the taste of Beef Stroganoff. But she told me that it was important to try new things in life and that variety made life so much more fun.

As I came into my own as an adult, I understood that I could not be anyone but myself and that it was important to accept myself, with all the faults that it encompassed. For me, this realization, this acceptance, has made the world around me make better sense. It’s also made me a much more interesting person.

But I think most importantly she taught me to be grateful for what I have, instead of focusing on what I don’t have. Growing up, I did not “want” for much. I had what I needed plus more than many others that I grew up with. She taught me that sharing this gift with others is what makes having it worthwhile. We often invited friends over for Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas. My best friend spent more time at my house than her own.

Mama taught me that it is more important to give than to receive, that the best gift you can give anyone is yourself, and that when you love someone, love them with everything you have…so they will know that you are a part of one another forever.

And so I thank you, Mom, for all the opportunities to “make a memory”…for all the lessons about family, self-reliance, education, self-acceptance, gratitude, and most importantly, love. You were…and continue to be…my best teacher.

I leave you with this…
A great scientist, physicist and human being Albert Einstein once said:

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

I believe the best way to honor the light my mother has given us is to pay it forward. For whatever she has done for you, in whatever way she has touched you, for whatever memories you have of her, make them live on through your deeds to others. Let her light shine through your world, and she will live on forever, making our world a better place to be.

A Letter to a Friend

I was just thinking. You and I are a lot alike. Life is a dance and it requires a partner, so you and I seem to always be looking for partners. But you know what? Nothing lasts forever. Love may be one of those things that is ever present, but relationships never last forever. One of us is going to die in the end, and who knows if it lives on when you get to the other side. I have been trying to live in the now. It is hard. Mainly because at this moment, I want to be with someone else. But I can't, for various reasons. So what do I do in the meantime? I fill my time. I fill it with chores, work, other people, TV. But that is not living in this moment, happy with this moment.

Shamanic Principle number 5 states that love is being happy with someone or something. Love is something you are; not something you are in.

You and I need to strive for this. We need to be happy with ourselves. Now I see you over there thinking “I’ve been alone for so long.” Well, yeah. But are you happy with you? Are you the way you want to be?

I think about this question often these days. Is who I am now who I really want to be?

The answer to the question, for me, waivers every day. Yesterday, I was very happy with who I was. I had a great day. And I had a great day because I shared it with other people. I have come to find that I love sharing what I do. That is why I do what I do. I like to be around people—not all the time, but most of the time. I like interacting with them. I love sharing their experiences, I love laughing, I love the total enjoyment of bonding over food, jokes, movies, games, LIFE.

I love life. So perhaps what I am happy with most is living. And I think that from now on, I am going to stop sitting on my couch and waiting for life to come to me. I am going to go out and live it. Care to join me?